In The Mean Time...
Mother Pleads Guilty To Having Sexual Relationship With Her Teenage Son
May 18, 2012 at 3:05 pm by Morbid
Nice, CA – The California woman charged with having sex with her teenage son has pleaded no contest to incest and other felonies.
Earlier this month we reported on 32-year-old Mistie Atkinson, the woman who was caught having sex with her biological, teenage son. She was arrested and charged with incest, oral copulation of a minor, contact with a minor for a sexual offense and sending harmful matter to a minor after police found her in a hotel room with her son.
Atkinson has not had contact with her 16-year-old son since she gave him up 14 years ago, but the pair reunited in a most devious way late last year after Atkinson contacted him via Facebook.
Within two months the teen’s father, who has sole custody, filed a restraining order against Atkinson after the conversations between her and her son became as increasingly inappropriate as they were sinister.
“She started to have a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with him, not a mother-and-son relationship,” the man said, according to court documents. “It got to a point where their conversation began talking about harming me and killing off her boyfriend she was (now) living with.”
Police say they have proof Atkinson sent her son nude photos of herself and engaged in explicit conversations that included the two running away together. Even more damning are the videos police recovered from the teen’s cell phone that show Atkinson blowing her son’s horn as well as the two engaging in sexual intercourse.…
Continue ReadingCanadian Police Waiting On Jewel Thief To Pass Diamond He Swallowed
May 18, 2012 at 1:27 pm by Pazuzu
Windsor, Ontario - Ladies and gentleman, I would like to introduce you to every woman’s dream — a man that shits diamonds. Or one that’s about to, anyway.
According to Ontario police, 52-year-old Richard Matthews went to Precision Jewellers in Ontario and attempted to swap a real diamond with a fake one. When store employees confronted him over swapping out a $20,000 , 1.7 carat diamond with a fake he had brought along, he proceeded to gulp down all the evidence.
Matthews was arrested on a suspicion of theft charge and placed in a cell with no toilet. Whenever he has to take a dump, he has to do so in a bucket. Afterwards, a gloved technician must sift through Matthews’ nuggets in hopes of finding the really expensive one.
X-rays revealed that Matthews is concealing two fake diamonds in his intestines. The real diamond cannot be seen because it’s translucent. Police have been patiently waiting for Matthews to pass the gem for over a week and expect it complete its journey any day now.
According to authorities, Matthews has been cooperative with police and is taking laxatives during his meals. He has already made several attempts at passing the gem but they have been unsuccessful. Once police have the dirty diamond in their possession, Matthews will be charged with possession of stolen property.…
Continue ReadingMan Angry Over Open Captions Pulls Fire Alarm During “Avengers” Movie
May 18, 2012 at 11:11 am by Morbid
ABINGDON, Md. – A man in Maryland is facing prison time after his dumbass pulled a crowded theater’s fire alarm during a showing of THE AVENGERS.
David Walters was at the theater Monday night to watch the latest super-hero flick (it’s damn good, btw) when he got upset over the theater’s decision to accommodate the hearing impaired with open captions.
Open captions are sort of like subtitles, but the text on the screen includes descriptors of dialogue, song lyrics, and important sound effects during the film. I think it’s pretty cool of the studio to provide it and awesome of the Regal theater to show it.
Walters didn’t think so, however, and felt the text was ruining the movie. He decided that if he couldn’t enjoy the movie like the hearing impaired in the audience, then no one was. So with tears streaming down his face, and blood flowing from his weeping vagina, Walters used his balled-up fists to pull the fire alarm in protest.
Because of his actions, Walters is looking at up to five years in prison. I’d rather him be ordered to push a cum-mop at the local adult video store for a few weeks or, at the very least, volunteer time at a deaf senior living facility.…
Continue ReadingMan Beats Woman With Chocolate Milk Over Minor Traffic Accident
May 18, 2012 at 10:57 am by PetePuma
Punta Gorda. FL – The beaver/human hybrid pictured to the left is Douglas Edward Hasselman, 51. He is accused of beating a 54-year-old woman with his fists and…wait for it…a sixteen-ounce bottle of TrueMoo [sic] chocolate milk after she allegedly bumped his Chevy Malibu with her car at an intersection. He is facing charges of felony burglary to a conveyance and misdemeanor battery and is currently being held on $25,000 bond at Charlotte County Jail.
As the police report goes, after the woman bumped Hasselman’s car and pulled over, he jumped out of his vehicle, screaming and cursing at her. He then allegedly reached into her car, grabbed a bottle of chocolate milk and began beating her about the face and head with it. You have to hand it to whoever makes TruMoo’s bottles. It doesn’t seem like the thing broke. I was unable to locate any TruMoo in glass bottles, so I’m just going to have to assume it was plastic.
Then again, Hasselman may just be a huge pussy who is incapable of breaking a plastic bottle on a woman’s face.
When the woman, who apparently never exited her vehicle, leaned over toward the passenger seat to avoid the beverage-based beating, he continued to flail at her with the milk and his fists. He then got into his vehicle and drove off.…
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Oklahoma City, OK – Jamison Marchette, 41, has been charged with two counts of “distribution of obscene materials” and one count of “loitering around a residence to watch an occupant” after allegedly doing pretty much just what the charges state.
As the proud owner of a penis, it would be ludicrous for me to claim to know everything about women. That does not, however, exclude me from the lion’s share of the male population that could likely teach Mr. Marchette a thing or two about how to, at the very least, avoid completely freaking them out.
The very first piece of information I could bestow upon Marchette would be to choose the objects of my affections carefully. If you’re 41, a tad greasy, un-rich, and average-looking at best, you probably shouldn’t be gunning for a 22-year-old chippy like one of his two alleged victims at a Northwest Oklahoma City apartment complex.
My second tip would be to entertain the idea of starting small. Perhaps a conversation would be in order, but maybe just a wave and an unassuming smile. That’s a judgement call dependent upon the recipient of said friendly gestures. I would attempt to steer clear of anonymously leaving “gifts” such as pornographic movies, magazines, or sex toys on her doorstep. Those types of things are better suited to relationships that have made it beyond the critical post-coital stage, but prior to the boredom and staleness of long-term martial “bliss.”
Sometimes, anonymous gifts are well-received and mysterious enough to cause some degree of excitement and/or anticipation, provided they are not of the variety Marchette tragically seems to have chosen. If one does choose to go that route, however, it’s likely a good idea not to go sneaking around the recipient’s home in a vain attempt to gauge her reception and/or usage of those gifts.…
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Florida – A man is suing after an infection from a penile implant resulted in his penis having to be removed.
Back in 2007, 65-year-old Enrique Milla elected to have the implant placed to help with his erectile dysfunction. He wasn’t trying to make his dick bigger than it was when it worked, he just wanted the betraying bastard to work, period.
This particular procedure involves inflatable balloons inserted in the two tubes of the penis. A small pump and a reservoir of fluid are placed in the patient’s scrotum and connected to the balloons. Whenever an erection is desired, the person simply squeezes his third ball and the balloons are filled with the fluid.
Two weeks after having this procedure performed in a Florida hospital, Milla’s penis got infected and turned gangrene. Doctor’s had no choice but to amputate his penis in order to save his life. In 2009, Milla filed a malpractice lawsuit blaming his anesthesiologist, Dr. Laurentiu Boeru, and Dr. Paul Perito, the urologist who performed the surgery.
Milla, a diabetic with high blood pressure, claims that Boeru did not asses his medical condition and signed off on the surgery even though his vital signs suggested high risk the morning of the procedure.…
Continue ReadingWife of Pastor Accused of Statutory Sodomy Facing Charges of Her Own
May 17, 2012 at 2:31 pm by PetePuma
East Prairie, MO – Last week, 36-year old Kenneth Neal Allen, pastor of the majestic Grace Apostolic Church in East Prairie (click here for pic), was arrested on three charges of first-degree statutory sodomy and possession of child pornography.
Authorities believe he had inappropriate contact with the male children in question during overnight sleepovers occurring at his home. More charges against him are expected to be forthcoming. Mr. Allen has told police that he was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. I’ll allow you to judge the relevance of that claim.
In the meantime, his 36-year-old wife , Beth Lynnette Allen, is now facing charges of endangering the welfare of a child since authorities believe that she knew about Mr. Allen’s alleged extracurricular diddling and failed to report it. Ms. Allen works as a state paid child care provider, and I’m assuming that that’s why she had kids sleeping over on a regular basis.
According to court documents, Ms. Allen admits to knowing that her husband would enter the bathroom, sometimes several times, while the boys, all under 13, were bathing, and that he would also sleep with them in the home. Parents of the victims describe the Allens as the “neighborhood babysitters” who would care for their children while they worked, and that they trusted Kenneth Allen since he was a pastor at a local church.…
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Jackson, MI - A 14-year-old Michigan boy had the unwelcome experience of finding a piece of a fast food worker’s finger in his sandwich last Friday. Before he started eating, you ask? You wouldn’t be reading about it here if that was the case…
Ryan Hart was finishing his roast beef sandwich that had been purchased at the drive-through window at a Jackson, Michigan Arby’s restaurant when he reportedly tasted something rubbery. He spat the item out. What he found was a chunk of human flesh – including a fingerprint – belonging to a restaurant employee. It was approximately 1-inch long.
“I was like, ‘that’s got to be a finger.’ I was about to puke… it was just nasty.” said Ryan.
Because properly prepared human finger meat is known for both taste and tenderness, it was apparent that this was not simply another – albeit nutritionally improved – fast food restaurant filler. Steve Hall, environmental health director for the Jackson County Health Department, said an Arby’s employee had, in fact, sliced her finger while operating a meat slicer at the restaurant. She then left her workstation immediately to attend to the injury without saying anything.
“Other workers were filling [the] order before they became aware of what happened,” Hall said.…
Continue ReadingPastor Arrested For Disguising Cameras As Air Fresheners in Parish Restroom
May 17, 2012 at 9:44 am by PetePuma
Lafayette, IN – Robert Lyzenga, 55, a pastor at Sunrise Christian Reform Church, was arrested on Thursday and charged with felony voyeurism after cameras, crudely disguised as air fresheners, were found in two stalls inside the women’s restroom in the church.
It began back in February when a woman, who I assume was a parishioner, was using the crapper and noted that an “air freshener” had fallen to the floor, leaving its back cover displaced.
When she picked it up, she noted that it wasn’t an air freshener at all, but a plastic box modified to house a video recording device. The boxes were sporting homemade, computer-printed “Glade Air-o-matic” stickers.
I’m fairly impressed that she realized what the device was, given that she probably isn’t even smart enough to know that God isn’t real. I’m even more moved by the fact that she decided to probe further to discover a similar setup in a different stall, considering that Christians aren’t often known for their tendency to investigate much of anything. Now I’m just being mean.
Tippecanoe County Sheriff’s police detectives downloaded data from the cameras’ memory cards, and found that they had captured two adult women and a juvenile girl using the restroom. Normally, I associate bodily elimination fetishes with those of German heritage, though I was unable to ascertain the ethnic origins of the suspect’s last name.…
Continue ReadingDomestic Abuse Call Results in Charges of Child Pornography and Bestiality
May 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm by PetePuma
St. Louis, MO – When you’re a 37-year-old dude and you tell your buddies that your girlfriend is 28, they’re likely to be impressed…unless you’re Shawn Ingram and that girlfriend happens to be the absolutely atrocious-looking Dana Kintz.
Our fairy tale begins like most do; with a domestic abuse call to police. Kintz called 911 on March 12th claiming that Ingram had struck her, which is when resembling a snowman constructed of memory foam is likely advantageous. Domestic abuse charges were not ultimately pursued though, for some reason, the officer was able to get his hands on Ingram’s cell phone. On it, they found child pornography and pictures of Kintz engaged in sex acts with a dog. And now I can’t stop shivering.
Both were charged with unlawful sex with an animal (as opposed to the lawful kind, I suppose). I guess it’s lucky for them that Missouri is relatively accepting of vertebrate-buggering, categorizing it only as a misdemeanor. Ingram wasn’t quite as lucky. He’s facing felony charges for possession of child pornography.
Among the photos officers reportedly recovered from Ingram’s phone were one of Kintz wearing a dog collar and mask, and another where Kintz has their dog’s penis in her mouth. I can’t understand any of this with the exception of the mask, which may have been necessary to keep the camera lens from shattering. Ingram denied all this, of course, but officials have reportedly uncovered evidence that he had posted the photos to an animal fetish web site. No word yet on what type of animal he was trying to pass Kintz off as; perhaps a mutant hippo.…
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Mississippi — Police are warning drivers along Mississippi’s northern highways to be extra cautious about pulling over for a vehicle after two people were found shot to death by a someone police think could be posing as a cop.
The Tate County Sheriff’s Office released the following warning via their Facebook Page:
“We urge everyone to be cautious while driving, especially at night. If someone attempts to pull you over with flashing lights and you feel unsure of stopping, DON’T PULL OVER. Use your cell phone and dial 911 and if it’s a real officer then the dispatcher will confirm it for you and if it’s not a real officer they will send help to you. Our deputies have been told not to overreact if someone does not immediately pull over. Your safety is our primary concern.”
This warning comes after two people, in separate incidents, were found shot to death along Mississippi highways within days of each other. In both cases, it looks as if the victims had pulled over for someone.
One victim was 74-year-old Tom Schlender who was driving to Nebraska from Florida to pick up his grandson from college. He was found dead in his car on Interstate 55 in Panola County on May 8 at about 1:30 a.m.…
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Corpus Christi, TX - A five year research project at Columbia School of Law has established that Carlos DeLuna, 27, was wrongly executed in 1989 after a string of proceedings – and errors. A report, entitled “Los Tocayos Carlos: Anatomy of a Wrongful Execution,” traces Deluna’s path to his lethal injection.
In February 1983, Wanda Lopez – a single mother – was stabbed to death in the gas station where she worked in Corpus Christi. That night Lopez had called police for help twice to protect her from an individual with a switchblade.
“They could have saved her, they said ‘we made this arrest immediately’ to overcome the embarrassment,” law professor James Liebman said.
Forty minutes after the crime Carlos DeLuna was arrested near the gas station. DeLuna said he ran from police because he was on parole and had been drinking.
Deluna was identified by a single eyewitness who saw a Hispanic male running from the gas station. There were some immediate discrepencies. Deluna was dressed differently and clean shaven. The killer was also seen fleeing towards the north and DeLuna was caught toward the east.
“I didn’t do it, but I know who did,” DeLuna said at the time, saying that he saw Carlos Hernandez entering the service station.…
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